newchaotic

Do you think everyone feels broken. 

I feel... a lot of things right now.  For one, I feel common sense, and that tells me I should stick to the positive here.  Another thing I feel is that there's no one safe anymore.  I mean, 6 million bodies in the world, over 80 000 in this silly little town, and even my facebook "friends" - 2, 300 (I deleted a bunch a few weeks back) -  And most of them aren't worth talking to.  More and more I wonder how human beings survive, considering that we're social creatures.   Supposedly.  I said something similar to Tiff in a silly sad message.  Repeating here.
I seem to gravitate more towards acquaintances for that illusion of safety.  Once I know someone fairly well I see all of their weaknesses.  I see the fissures in their shells and I feel panic, like our flaws will compound into some depressing math equation, human to the humanth power will equal...despair.  What is the value of x, if y is no longer an safe?  So acquaintances are like photographs from the 1930s, characterised by that slight blur, the whole of a person made picturesque through the indistinctness that distance allows.  Like tonight, I saw my sister's friend who I have met a few times previous.  And he seemed shy and solid, and I wanted to say take me with you.  Let's drink and talk about humanity, please, let's be friends.  Please?
Sometimes I feel terrified because here I am trying to evaluate who and where I am, and I know that it's not going to get better.  I know I'll never count myself whole for any length of time.  I wish I was clinically depressed so I could blame it on something, but I'm not, I'm just...scared.  I am intensely scared of the future, because I don't see myself ever changing. 

This morning I woke up crying - and i mean full-on tears streaming down my face - because in my dream I had to kill my pet goat. I think her name was Stanley. She kep running away and I had to go catch her, and each time I felt a mixture of amusement, affection, annoyance, and horrible guilt. I remember her short hair was incredibly soft, and she was warm, and her trembling would stop if I gently pet her, telling her lies. Then I had to take off her head and cut her into fine little bits with something like an Inuit Ulu knife. At a certain point my brother took over and I found a little piece of her hide with fur still attached, and I just sat off to the side and stroked it, sobbing. And that's how I woke up.
So compared to zombie dreams, which one is weirder?

Lots going on, but not really.
All done classes.
Got my lip pierced.
Kinda sorta dating someone.
Winter vacation!
Need to do christmas gifts.

Today:
Go to the bank
Get extra car key cut at Home Depot
Go to the school
Make Christmas cards and generally chill out in the PSN
Bring back library book and pay fines
Go to Krystal's get-together this evening.

Today I need to go to the thrift store and Value Village to find neat things for my portfolio project.  I will also go to class, even though class is silly. 

In other news, Russians are awesome. 

You know what I love? Typewriters.  When I have my own place, I will totally have a desk with a typewriter set up somewhere.  Click CLick Click Click BING!  They are so satisfying.

C.

They wear cool clothes, like hemp, and adorable hats.
They tend to have better skin than many boys (weird, eh?)
They're more comfortable with other guys - like, they'll think nothing of going up and hugging their friend, playing around and other skin contact without the "that's so gay" stigma.
They show up at cool shows and concerts, so you know they're not just into mainstream prepackaged rock-and-rap.
There's just something earnest and genuine in their expressions and body language. 
There's the chance that they actually give a damn about things bigger than themselves.
 

Whenever it stormed outside our little old dog, Heart, would huddle underneath or beside something and shiver. If she moved, it was furtively, as if dodging an incoming blitzkrieg. Her breathing would be shaky and quavering – breathing in, she would shudder, then breathing out she would be still. Shudder, still, shudder, still. If you put your hand on her, the shivering would transfer into your arm – you could feel her heart just going like mad. To spread your arms over her, to try and calm her, to hope to transfuse both warmth and comfort – it all seemed futile.   Poor thing. She cried more than she barked, shrill frightened whines.

That’s how I feel right now. Feel like a faulty robot whose movements are circumscribed by half-assed artistry. My joints don’t glide so much as grate against bones

 sockets filled with sawdust,

sinews-tendons-nerves are aged elastics stretching out with miniscule tears, dried out and fragile.

my heart

- my real heart, not the symbolic paradigm -

Is a tin can rattling, is a paper lantern crisply suspended on third-grade wires. Lungs likewise extend and scrape against ribs.

This is caffeine. and this is life. and I am happy.

Well

I am feeling very drained right now.  Not sure why - I've been making an effort for the past 4 or so days to get 7-8 hours of sleep each night.  And I think I'm eating well.  This morning I took the time to make a decent lunch so as not to have to buy one at the school.  Then I ran down to the bus stop..and realized once I was there that I'd forgotten my lunch.  So I walked back home, got my lunch, and caught the next bus instead. 

I think I would like some caffeine.

Peer Support hours right now; class at one (we're doing a walking tour of UNBC facilities in my Environmental Citizenship course) then another class at 2:30, then group meeting at 3:30.  Then I have tickets to the Aboriginal Storyteller's Festival Gala tonight, which should be pleasant. 

Last night Anna and I were working together (we work together every Thursday evening, so that's not the point of the story).  But we were joking quite a bit and somehow got to the idea of having a mirror that looks like those glass set-ups in prisons, for visitors to talk to inmates?  And the mirror would be like that and have a fake phone and everything.

You know, a little while ago, I had a Red Robin dream in which I was actually not working! I know! It was glorious!  But then last night I had a GALLERY bad work dream...so many kids, so much to do, and no one would leave!  Agghh...the torch has been passed, I guess.

I might go get some caffeine.

cheers

Volunteered at B.C. River's Day with the Gallery today.  We helped kids make fish out of foam paper.  Also very successful. 

Cheers.